It's time to be brave!
Perhaps you are new here and don't know me very well yet, but even if you have been following me for a while, I haven't told you much about my spiritual teachers. For me, this is all quite intimate, sacred, and in some ways inexplicable. But today and in the coming issues, I would like to use my story to show you what insights I have gained from the seven years I have spent with my teacher Tsakpo, and of course to inspire you on your own spiritual path.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH A GURU?"
I still remember mycrisisin my mid-20s.I had everything I needed: a great partner with whom I shared a beautiful apartment, dear friends, a good job, enough money to live a good life. But I wasn't happy. In fact, I felt really bad. Thatwas the first time Ifelt adeep innercalling for a teacher. It was afeeling that there must be someone out therewho knows more than I do. Someone who is not caught up in thismindfuckandhamster wheel. Someone who is wise, experienced, and can help me becomehappier.
When I expressed this desire to my boyfriend at the time, I was met with incomprehension:"What do you want with a guru?" I never mentioned a guru, let alone wanting to become dependent on a stranger in any way. I just neededadvicefrom someone who wasn't afraid. And my boyfriend was afraid—probably afraid that I was going crazy ;)
WHEN THE STUDENT IS READY, THE TEACHER WILL APPEAR
I had already undergonetherapyat that time, but it did not satisfy my need for spiritual nourishment at all.My soul was so thirsty, but I did not know for what. Itactually took a few more years. To be precise, until Iended therelationship,quitmyjob, and completed my firstyoga teacher training. I was freer than ever, but inside I still felttotally restless and lost. That was when I realized:
You can change as much as you want on the outside, but you have to get a grip on your inner world in a different way!
What bothered me most was thismonkey mind, whichlimited me incredibly on all levels. All the things I believed I had to do or not do.I had heard that meditation helps to center the mind.My yoga teacher had always recommendeditto me,at 5 a.m. in the morning. "That's crazy, I'll never manage that," I thought. And yet I had to try it.But how could I do it?
I NEEDED HELP!
So I asked my old yoga teacher for advice when I returned to Germany in January 2015 after spending two years in Brazil. She said she wasn't very familiar with the meditation market, but she had a master who was coming to Cologne for a seminar the following weekend. What timing :) I got a place, went there and took a look at the whole thing.
It was only much later that I realized that this teacher was the one I had called upon five years earlier. He had so many good ideas, critical topics that really triggered me, and , above all , answers to questions I had always asked myself. That was the beginning, and I immediately signed up to work with him individually. I didn't know what that meant at all. I was just sure. I had no doubt whatsoever that this path was not for me, because Tsakpo touched on my deepest wound: my difficult relationship with my mother.
Yes, I wanted to heal that, and to do so , I courageously continued to follow the path of my inner truth, which had guided me so well up to that point! For me, that was an indication that I was in the right place with Tsakpo. I wanted to learn to love my mother more, because for many years Ihadquietlysufferedfrom not being able to be ascloseto her as I would have liked.
I still remember exactly the day I first met my teacher, Tsakpo Rinpoche. It was January 30, 2015, and I was sitting in a yoga studio in Cologne with about 30 other people in his seminar. Many were his students who had traveled from far away. I didn't know anyone except my yoga teacher Isabel, who invited me there. Tsakpo sat on a stage.The floor in front of him was strewn with flower petals. His face was marked by life, with white hair, loving eyes, and avoice full of energy.
He talked a lot of good stuff,which I, eager to learn like a nerd, typed into the small keyboard of my iPad Mini. Something aboutself-love and thepath to freedom.Yes, yes, yes! Freedom, that's what I wanted! Ihad just ended my 8-year relationship and quit my job, didn't know where I wanted to live yet, andwas searching for myself.I nodded in agreement and satisfaction the whole time. Suddenly, I flinched when he said:
"...AND LOVE YOUR MOTHER!"
I was shocked, that's how much that sentencetriggeredme. Had I understood correctly? I stopped typing, looked up from my iPad, and listened intently:
"The relationship with your mother is the most important thing in life! It is the source of the deepest love that can be experienced between two people. If you can't love your mother, then you can't love yourself either!"
Great, that hit home!I couldn't nod anymore because I didn't know how to do that... truly love my mother. She had been so hard on me.Two years of therapyhad alreadycleared away some of the"bulky waste" from my childhood, but how could I eversay with all my heart,"I love my mother!"?!
THE PATH TO SELF-LOVE LEADS THROUGH THE MOTHER
Tsakpo's statement made me think. I wanted nothing more thanto learnself-love, but I hadn't expected that I would have to take a very unpleasant detour via my mother to get there. And yet it somehow made sense to me:a baby loves its mother unconditionally. From its first breath, it is completely dependent on her and her love.Unconditional motherly lovebegins right there with the promise, "I am here for you and will raise you, no matter what."This is a unique phenomenon, because all other relationships, such as a partnership or friendship, may also have growth in mind, but they areshaped by expectations and agreements. The "contract" can be broken or dissolved, but not the mother-child relationship—no matter what happens.
The potential for unconditional love is inherent in us from the very beginning.Maybe we've forgotten it because it was so long ago and a lot of shit has happened in the meantime, butit's still slumbering somewhere inside us. And that trigger back then from Tsakpo challenged me to simply rediscover and activate this potential.No matter what happened in my childhood.No matter how many stories I could tell about my mother's exhausting upbringing. No matter how much she sometimes annoys me. The agenda remains:LOVE YOUR MOTHER—unconditionally!
Simply stop fighting—I found that revolutionary!
"So stop complaining, put on something nice, buy some flowers, and visit your mother. Give her a hug and be kind to her. She gave you life. She raised you as best she could, and more importantly, she loves you, even if you don't know it! JUST LOVE HER! You have to try while she's still alive!"
That was his method of radical forgiveness. To me, it felt morelike shock therapy. I had no idea whether he was completely crazy, but something about it felt true to me. I wanted to find out and finally signed up for my first week of individual sessions with him. That was the beginning of my spiritual journey with Tsakpo. The path to more self-love.
You may be wondering if you also need a teacher like this and have to meditate with them for seven years to heal your mother wound?
The good news is: No! :) Of course, there are other ways, but you need someone who can hold a safe space for you. I see this time and again in my individual work with my coaching clients.
The sobering news is: please don't expect instant healing overnight. It takes time, patience, and love to steadily chip away at the layers of old walls that you built up as a child for self-protection.
You can find out exactly how my mother wound manifested itself, whether you might also have a mother wound, and what can help you heal it in the following blog posts.
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